Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Struggles in Servanthood

Even though our situation remains the same—we don't have full time employment, we don't have a home, we don't know what to do next—I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster. Usually, I know that we are where God has told us to be, I am at peace, and have hope that someday soon we'll have work. Then there are days like this past Sunday where I feel like I want to scream and shout and be angry at God. It took me a while to actually put into words the frustration I was experiencing—I wanted my own way. I wasn't getting what I asked for and I was throwing a temper tantrum just like a two-year-old. (I didn't actually start pounding the floor but I thought about it.)

Everyday I remember the passage that inspired me to start this blog . . . "Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you." Well, we've been praying and asking like crazy believing that our requests will be granted. And everyday—nothing. I've been asking so many questions lately but never hearing any answers. I want to know why we don't have jobs yet . . . when will we have them . . . what will we be doing . . . where will we be living . . . when will we find a home . . . how long will this family let us stay here . . . is this right? Basically my question is, "God, why don't you give me what I want—when I want it?"

As I was processing this emotional battle and trying to figure out why I felt the way I did on Sunday, Chris was talking to his parents. He told me that his dad had gone through something similar many years ago where his cry to the Lord was, "Lord, don't I have rights?" To this the Lord responded, "No, I bought those on Calvary."

When Chris retold the story I felt like I was slapped in the face—of course I don't have rights. I've heard that before (thank you Jake Peterson and Prism). I should know that. But knowing that and believing it are two different things. If my life was purchased by Christ's blood and I am asked to serve Him with all that I am and all I do—I don't have rights. I am a slave to Christ. Does a slave become angry with his master and start demanding his rights? Not according to the Word.

I know that God is not my fairy godmother here to make all my dreams come true and make my life easy. But that is honestly how I treat Him sometimes. I think God knew that I would feel this way . . . that many people would feel frustrated by the turns life takes. There are so many passages in scripture that confirm it! Life won't be easy, we will have struggles, and God has his own way of doing things.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

Thankfully, these verses calmed my anger and brought me peace once again. I can't imagine what it must be like for those that don't believe God has a plan—that He is with us. I might go through feelings of anger every now and then— or impatience, selfishness, pride, etc. But I can't live that way for long! The Spirit has a way of softening my heart giving me peace—and renewing my passion to be Christ's servant.


Joshua said...

Well said Emily. Thank you for being my slap in the face.

Sheryl said...

Wow! I had that same verse in mind (Ps 27:13-14). One of my favorites and even put it to music as a new believer. Looking forward to seeing you in 10days!

Carrie said...

emily... this spoke right to my heart and where i've been lately. thank you for being vulnerable with us on your journey. praying for you friend...